And it's name is Susie Homemaker.
Once in a blue moon I can feel her stirring. She struggles to get out, tugging at the edges of my mind until I take up a spatula, trowel or, in this case, a sewing machine and wield it as a weapon in the battle for my sanity.
Unfortunately for me, innate talent is not a weapon in my arsenal. My recent skirmishes with inner Susie have, without fail, followed this recipe...
INGREDIENTS
1 pattern ("1" is relative)
3 yards of every fabric (or more if it's really pretty)
2 spools of thread for each fabric
1 cushion of pins
9 band aids
Assortment of buttons, zippers, lace, elastic, and duct tape.
DIRECTIONS
1.) Pick a pattern and a fabric.
2.) Change your mind.
3.) Change your fabric.
4.) Cut out the pattern (this will take hours, find a good podcast or you will lose your mind).
5.) Revert back to original fabric.
6.) Dewrinkle fabric.
7.) Change your mind again.
8.) Fold fabric in half and lay out pattern, pin it down.
9.) Remove pins from fingers.
10.) Apply band aids.
11.) Cut out pattern.
12.) Read the instructions 6 more times.
13.) Pin random pieces together.
14.) Stitch 'em up!
15.) Repeat steps 13 and 14 until all the pieces are attached to each other.
16.) Scratch head and wonder where you went wrong.
17.) Try on garment.
18.) Decide it needs a zipper.
19.) Cut a slit somewhere and pin a zipper into it.
20.) Run over the zipper while sewing it in and snap the needle in half.
21.) Throw up hands in defeat.
22.) Wait for tomorrow, then see step 1.
Gallery of Misfit Outfits
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| Simplicity 2176 |
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| "Winging" it |
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| Unknown pattern |
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| Salvage in Progress |
Attempting to channel Susie Homemaker is a constantly humbling experience and the last outfit above was the icing on the crow.
This was actually the first project and I assumed that the pattern size would be synonymous with my clothing size. This isn't even vaguely close to being true. I attempted to put this romper on after stitching it together and couldn't pull it past my knees. After belatedly comparing my measurements to those of the pattern I became aware that I was at least ten inches bigger everywhere.
There is truly no greater feeling of shame than realizing that you have to go up 8 numbers for an outfit to have a chance of fitting.
But rather than let shame and a bad fit be the end of it, I decided I'll try my hand at a transformative salvage. So I'm changing the romper into a jumper. I cut out the legs and sewed them together, next I'll be randomly inserting skirt fabric. The way I see it, it can't get worse!
(There's one outfit that didn't make the gallery yet. I was bound and determined to make a dress from start to finish in 3 hours and I got close, but it ultimately kicked my butt. So it's been sitting in time out for the last week and a half and I refuse to look at it again until it apologizes. If it behaves it might show up in a later post.)
Today I call out Susie Homemaker as one of my inner demons.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a pattern to cut out.
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