Tick Tock

Life is a trust fall.

Sounds deep, doesn't it?

Some days it feels like life is this perpetual tension, this constant free fall backwards into the unknown. A twisting, wrenching in the pit of your stomach as wind whips past your ears and you recoil with the preemptive impact, praying that something will break your fall and never fully convinced that those arms will be there to catch you.

And it feels like you're falling forever.

I tried to quit my job the other day. I've been thinking about it for months, actively applying other places for weeks. 

And I heard nothing back.

And then more nothing. 

Then last week I hit my breaking point. My boss snapped at me and I realized that I couldn't pretend it was okay any more. And I made up my mind to quit even though I had no next job lined up, no interviews, no direction for my life at all really. 

I spent two days practicing what I would say to my bosses, thinking it through from every angle, bouncing ideas off my parents. I went into Friday a mess of nerves and spent all ten hours of my shift trying to remember how to breathe.

And then my boss was late and I was dismissed for the weekend before I had the chance to say anything.

When we finally talked on Monday, I inexplicably walked away without breathing a word about quitting. 

That night my inbox filled with rejection letters from half of the places I'd applied.

I was ready to free fall into nothing just to get myself off that ledge and God put me back up on it again.

Sometimes life is a trust fall. 

And sometimes it's waiting for the next one.

Over the Rainbow

I've always dreamt of spending my birthday and St. Patrick's Day in Ireland and this year it was going to happen! I was learning Gaelic, mapping out my route, had my passport coming in the mail, and was looking into flights. 

When I was home, my parents suggested I skip the trip and save the money for a car. I scoffed but considered doing the responsible thing... then kept googling "Ireland landscapes".

Then the roommate I was going to travel with decided to go to her country alone. I was a little leery to go solo to Europe but what better potential for an adventure!

And then my boss told me that I have four vacation days left until August.

Okay God, I get the picture. For everything there is a season and apparently this is not my season for reckless Irish exploration.

So I'm putting aside that money and saving up for my next set of wheels, like my parents wanted. No promises though on whether my next mode of transportation has two wheels or four!

And I've decided to save up for Ireland a handful of change at a time.

Maybe by next year...

Chi-Town with a Side of Broccoli Beef

This weekend I flew alone for the very first time, a feat which proved to be much more daunting than originally anticipated. 

I arrived at the airport at 1:30, had a two hour flight and a short layover in Chicago with the anticipation of a quick one hour flight and then a half hour drive to my parents' house. Unfortunately my arrival in Chi-Town began a descent into hell which I didn't emerge from until 5 am the next morning.

But that's not what this post is about.

When my plane touched down at O'Hare, it sat on the Tarmac for an hour while we waited for a gate. We were later informed that a truck had parked in our spot. That's right. Our plane couldn't pull in because a truck was in the way. We then had to stand for half an hour in a windy 19 degree jetway while we waited for our valeted bags, which we hadn't been allowed to carry on because our plane was so small.

Finally, bag in hand, I got my feet on solid ground again and settled in for the layover to end all layovers. I tried to encourage my fellow passengers with jokes about the virtue of patience but was quickly shut up by their complaints about missed connections and their overwhelming negativity.

I had time to spare so I grabbed dinner at the food court and watched humanity rushing by while wielding my chopsticks and trying not to think. 

All of a sudden I felt very alone. 

My family was a state away, my friends two. I was flying home for a funeral and eating by myself and had nobody to keep me company and I felt so very alone.

And then I looked up.

And realized that everyone at my table was sitting by themselves, everyone in the food court was traveling alone and trying not to feel like the only person in the world. We were all alone. Together.

And I decided that one day I'm going back to O'Hare. And I'm going to wear a "Free Hugs" shirt and bring a case full of teddy bears. 

Because everyone could use a hug and a travel buddy.