Hide it Under a Bushel

One of my biggest vices is that I consider nothing so big a problem that it can't be avoided and ignored until it goes away. I am aware of it, I consider it a flaw, and I'm pretty sure it'll sort itself out if I just leave it alone for a little bit.

That was a joke (but sadly also true).

I could make a list of all the seriously big issues I've squashed down in a box and hidden in the back of my closet but that would mean opening that door and acknowledging everything that's wrong, I'm petrified that unleashing that mountain would bury me alive. I can't do it.

But then I wake up one morning to find that one of my demons has escaped its box and is sitting on my pillow, watching me. And instead of dealing with it, I run.  The only problem there is that it's loose now and can follow me.

So it does.

It establishes a perch on my shoulder and whiles away the hours scratching at my face and yanking on my hair. It spends days whispering in my ear, weeks gnawing away at my nerves. At some point I'm faced with the horrifying realization that I can't ignore it any more and it must be dealt with immediately.

And lately all of my issues have come out to play.

Tonight my health demanded the spotlight.

I was diagnosed about 5 years ago with a pre-existing condition that makes it really hard to get insurance after a move. It's chronic, it's autoimmune, it's inconvenient. I was sick for two years before the doctors finally realized that my problem was more than stress and those tests? Never again. Never ever ever ever ever again.

When I got diagnosed I was put on medication: 15 pills a day, every day. I couldn't stomach that for long so they swapped me to a Tier 3 drug. That means that when I moved out of state and every insurance company refused to cover me, my medicine would cost $300 a month. As someone living perpetually paycheck to paycheck, this was simply not an option and I stopped taking my meds.

That was a year and a half ago.

I've been mostly fine. Some foods make me sick but if I avoid them it's not an issue. Every now and then I'll have an... "episode?" but it goes away by the next morning and hasn't been consistent enough that I can't ignore it... until two weeks ago.

All of a sudden my body was rebelling against me, alarms were blaring, and tonight I realized it can't be ignored.

My inconvenient health issue has suddenly become a serious problem that needs to be dealt with immediately.

And that paralyzes me.

Please pray.